Hot New Deals – Burnt To A Crisp

Busy life or not, I have been guilty of internet browsing. Sometimes I’ve got a quiet moment at work, or I’m looking for new music to jam to during school….that, and I probably put the pro in procrastination.

Well, the new browser for windows ten is Microsoft edge. Y’all have probably seen it, used it, fallen in love with it.(Kidding, google.)

Microsoft is a browser that’s meant to suck you into the internet, and never let you leave. Articles pop up instantly in hopes that you will click on them and forget what you were searching for. What’s supposed to take five minutes will take you three hours if they get their way.

But that’s actually not why I’m writing. I get the business. I don’t like the principal of it, but I’m the chucklehead who wastes my time staring at a maze of internet sluff.

I was doing just  that, when I came across a specific article – it’s really more of an ad. Dollar shave club is pitching it’s sale tone to women now, with an article by a woman who uses their products and loves them. It’s a good article, and though I had no reason to read an article on a shave club I was curious and clicked the site for kicks. After a few minutes I shrugged and went back to YouTube searches. I mean, there was really no reason for me checking the product in the first place. (Advertising at it’s best y’all…..it even gets the good ones trapped from time to time.)

YouTube and Pandora are my internet addictions – music, music and more music! I need it for my stories, schoolwork, my articles, heck, I’m jamming to Hollyn (Her beats never get old.) on YouTube as I write this! Naturally my boredom results in new music searches.

Unfortunately you’ve got to sit through the ads. Bleck. One popped up and I rolled my eyes, leaned back and tuned out.

What the F-K.

Crikey. Eyes open. Snap forward. What did they just say?! And I hear it again (along with the visual) – What the FAQ. The scoop on frequently asked questions concerning dollar shave club. Well, that’s just lovely. I skipped it and kept going, briefly noting that I wouldn’t ever buy their products. It’s rude and I wasn’t happy, but if uncultured jokes make more sales for them that’s their business. Now for my music. I closed my eyes again and let the melody take over.

Then the next video popped up. With another ad. It starts with a guy who barely fits in his chair, surrounded by all manner of odd things – he went on for some time about how he never purchases something without a reason, before launching into the dollar shave gimmick.

As the ad progressed I paid attention, unsure of where this was going. I didn’t want another hiccup like the one before. The scene switched, and it took me about three seconds to feel sick to my stomach. A man was tied to a bed and the lights were dim…..and he was talking about pain. The kind that is pleasant, versus the kind that is unpleasant.

I dare not describe the rest. I’m sure that there are people out there who believe it is funny. It’s a joke written by a full-blown snark genius. Some would say it is perfectly appropriate. Everyone was fully clothed, it wasn’t real, it was just an ad, they are trying to get you to remember…..well I remembered.

I remembered Corinth. I remembered Rome…..I remembered myself. Every joke in that ad pointed to something that someone desires.

Gluttony.

Greed.

Covetousness.

Masochism.

Promiscuity.

Sin.

It all looks good for a while. It might feel good for a minute. But  when the feelings fade, you have to up your game. The thrill comes at a higher price each day. Too late, you wonder whether it’s worth it.

Let me tell you this – it’s not. We’ve somehow reached this point where things that used to be dirty and indecent are a joke. Advertisements that are available to children include scenes of perversion so vile they were once performed only in secret.

I should know – I have done such things. I was trapped in sin, and I do NOT want the children around me to taste that same sin. But why not? Let’s join Corinth. Eat, drink, and make love before all! Come to Rome, and taste of our bounty. Worry not of your aching bones. Don’t concern yourself with the scars that grow with each new game. You are your own – there is nothing we will withhold from you.

Not even death.

For once you have your desires, those desires will own you.

This kind of slavery is hell on earth – a lie that will drag innocents into the fire, along with the damned.

At least dollar shave club sells good quality razors. Just get a fireproof guarantee before making a purchase.